Today I made a conscious decision to let go of the past.
Last week I realized that I no longer recognize myself. Let me now explain what that means. Throughout my life, I have known who I was and what I was capable of. I knew that very early but I did not know why it was important. It was not until last week when I was cooking with a friend that I saw myself for the first time in a long time.
Somehow through a variety of experiences, I let my own voice be drowned out by the world. Instead of taking ownership of my emotions and current situation, I assumed that external validation or some sort would solve it. The mistake I made was in assuming that people older than me knew me better than me. I would unconsciously give them my emotions and sit in depression after because I would feel manipulated. I would hinge my happiness, satisfaction and success on the reaction of a people who I now know are not capable of giving me the love and appreciation that I require.
If it was not for the therapy I started almost 2 months ago, I would not have been able to come to that conclusion. I would not have been able to believe that I have full control over my life even though the idea seems impossible in most situations. Now that I can see the problem objectively, it fascinates me that I allowed it to happen in the first place. I guess that is the beauty of growing up. Through each seemingly benign event my self esteem got washed away with it. It was not until I was in a rut and unable to muster enough respect for myself to brush my teeth or take a shower for a few days at a time that I realized something was wrong. Looking back, it seems almost silly that I let my own condition get that bad. Instead of taking control of my life, I assumed some external force would realize my problem and solve it for me.
Letting go of the past for me means coming to terms with the events of my childhood and realizing the developmental effects it has had on me. The past can not be brought back and relived but all I can do is make conscious daily efforts to fight through those struggles that hold me back from realizing all the goals and dreams I have for my life. The fact that I am able to be aware of my struggles in this moment is a gift I realize most people do not always get.
I will end this note by saying that life is a series of experiences that we go through but have little control over. The only thing we can truly control is our mental state which gives us the ability to navigate with strength and wisdom.
If this inspires you to let go of some baggage, I wish you luck navigating and I hope it helps you focus on the things that matter in your life.